There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Randomize
