Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
