He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
