You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
