Just fell off a train. Bad.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
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