My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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