i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
