Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
