You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
