Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
True strength comes from lack of pants
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
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