tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
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