I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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