I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
