The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
