I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize