you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
