Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
