Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
