This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
