At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
I wish I only lived at night.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
