when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
