dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
