I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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