im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
