Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
