he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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