dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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