you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I deserve this hangover.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
