Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
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