my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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