The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
only if we run a train.
done.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
