you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
