Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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