it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
