you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize