Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Randomize
