MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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