Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
