I think im going to throw up on grandma
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
