I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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