look no pants
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Randomize
