i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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