I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
