She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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