Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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