im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
