Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize