Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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