I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
