So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
You ruined the universe
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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