dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
