I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
