He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
