Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Randomize
