So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
