life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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