Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
