3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
