this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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