Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
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